On Monday, September 28, 2015, we went to the
Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor’s office for our scheduled ultrasound
appointment at 9:00 am after our 3 PUBS procedures the week before. This is
when my husband and I heard that our precious son Jackson no longer had a
heartbeat. Our doctor brought in a second doctor to double check and he
confirmed that Jackson didn’t have a heartbeat. They then have us two options
for our next step:
1.
D&E and be able to go home after an hour. This option would most
likely have our son come out in pieces much like a late term abortion.
2.
Check into Labor & Delivery and be induced to deliver.
We
chose option 2 because I wanted to see my son whole and deliver him naturally.
By
10:00 am, we were at the hospital getting checked into Labor & Delivery. I
had my blood drawn, received my IV for fluids, had a band around my belly to
check for contractions and had many nurses and doctors come in to tell us how
things were going to go through the process of giving birth to a stillborn.
Besides
all of the medical decisions we had to make for myself during labor (pain meds,
inducing meds, etc) we also had to make decisions and hear all of the options
for Jackson. For myself, after having multiple epidurals and spinal blocks days
before during the PUBS procedures, I was pretty much over those and wanted to
give my back a break! I opted to see how long I could go without any pain
medicine and when I needed some I only wanted to have a drip through my IV
(which would only allow medicine every 10 minutes). They also offered me
medicine to relax me during labor where I wouldn’t be fully aware of what was
going on and I declined that as well. In a strange way, I wanted to be able to
feel everything and remember every single moment of giving birth. I knew that
Jackson was already in his forever home in heaven and I wanted to remember
every single second that I had with him (his body).
Then,
Jon and I had to decide if we wanted to have an autopsy performed on Jackson and
if so, just a partial autopsy or a full one. Did we want to bury his body or
have him cremated? What funeral home would his body be released to? Where would
he be buried? These are things no parent should have to go through and decide.
We don’t even know the answers to these questions for ourselves! We didn’t need
to decide until before we left of any of those questions thankfully, so we were
able to process and make decisions. We did decide to do a full autopsy and then
have him cremated. We didn’t have any answers to why he was severely anemic or
the hydrops (which most likely was due to the severe anemia). We know that even
with the autopsy we still may never know the cause. Hopefully something will
come from the autopsy so we will have answers, or maybe something from the
autopsy will trigger a light bulb in one of the doctors. All of our doctors in
the MFM team were amazing and we felt like they were truly trying to solve this
mystery and save our sweet Jackson. Jon and I also hope for the doctor’s sakes
that the autopsy would reveal something since they tried everything to find
answers for us! Every doctor/nurse
knew our case and genuinely cared for us and Jackson!
By
11:30 am I had my first round of cytotec (vaginal inducing pill). At 4:00 pm I
had my second round of cytotec, and at 8:00 pm I had my third round. Nothing
really seemed to happen with the first three rounds. I only dilated to 1 cm and
I was having some mild contractions that didn’t really hurt. The doctor said
that since I was only 22 weeks into my pregnancy I only needed I dilate to 3
cm. Since he was so small there was no need to dilate to the full 10 cm. That
was kind of a relief to me otherwise we might be there for days at the rate I
was dilating. At midnight, I had my fourth round of cytotec. By this point my
contractions were pretty regular and becoming more uncomfortable, but I was
still only 1 cm dilated. By 12:30, I asked for the pain medicine drip that went
through my IV. I figured that getting it now would help me relax some to
hopefully get some rest to gear up for a long night/second day of labor.
Luckily, Jon and I were both able to get some sleep and at 3:30 am I got my
fifth round of cytotec. Within the next hour, my contractions were constant and
painful, even with some pain meds.
Around 4:30 am the doctor came in to check me and
said I was dilated to 7 cm and my water would break soon. He walked out the
door and I could feel the baby coming out. Jon rushed to get the doctor and he
came in time as Jackson was in fact coming out. My water never broke and I
delivered Jackson without pushing. Tuesday, September 29, 2015 and 4:49 am,
Jackson Aaron Mueller was born. He was born still inside the amniotic sac (why
my water didn’t break). The doctor and nurses said that was very rare to see a
baby born still inside the sac. We didn’t hear him cry, which is the only sound
a new parent wants to hear and it was such a bittersweet moment. Once he was
delivered, the physical pain wasn’t as bad, all the pressure I had was gone and
now I was just sore. I threw up a few times shortly after giving birth and once
more hours later.
My OB arrived seconds after Jackson was born and was
there to check on me. One of the doctor’s biggest concerns for me was if I’d be
able to deliver the placenta on my own or if I’d have to go to the OR and have
it removed. With early deliveries and the fact that the baby was smaller there
was a risk that it wouldn’t come out on it’s own. After my OB checked me, he
thought it was low enough for me to deliver it on my own and with one push it
was out! Finally, one thing that wasn’t worst-case scenario during the last
three weeks of our lives! Not going to the OR meant quicker recovery for me,
which was great news.
After about an hour or so, I was exhausted both emotionally
and physically from giving birth to a stillborn. The two nurses suggested that
Jon and I get some sleep while they took Jackson to weigh, measure, and get
foot/handprints as some of the only keepsakes we have of our sweet son! My
sister in law also went with them to capture precious photos of Jackson and I
have about 150 photos that I will cherish forever! I won’t be sharing too many
online in respect for our family. I’m happy to show anyone who would like to
see them, but want to keep them private (off the internet). Jackson was born at
22 weeks on the dot weighing 14 oz and measuring 9 ½ inches long. He really
weighed less than 14 oz but due to the hydrops he had so much fluid throughout
his entire little body. His entire body was red and the first layers of skin
were just beginning to form. Jackson was perfect in every way; he had the
cutest hands and feet, chubby and adorable! His body was FULLY formed,
including having fingernails on every finger. Even at this age, he resembled
his Daddy and his older brother in many ways. He was cute, I just wanted to
hold him and kiss him and never let him go. At the same time, he was so fragile
that I was afraid to hold him for too long. Obviously he wouldn’t feel any
pain, but with his fluid filled hydrops body I was afraid of popping him (as
crazy as that sounds). Trying to explain it is similar to a fluid filled
blister, but instead it was his entire body.
We decided that we wanted Jared to meet his baby
brother, so that maybe it would help him understand that his brother was born,
no longer in Mama’s tummy, and was now with Jesus in heaven. Jared was so sweet
meeting his brother and then snuggling Mama and Daddy. I’m so glad that we had
Jared meet Jackson and I really believe it helped Jared (and us). As hard as it
was, it was the right thing for our family!
Jackson had many visitors that day
and is one loved little boy! By 8:00 pm, I was ready to be discharged. Jackson
needed to get a couple samples taken for biopsies, but I was ready physically
to go home. I couldn’t wait to go home and leave the hospital where so many sad
things happened. Jon and I were not prepared for the emotional turmoil of
leaving the hospital without our son! Walking him to a room to leave him at the
hospital for an autopsy was the LONGEST, SADDEST, HARDEST walk of our lives! We
just wanted to be able to take our son home, but obviously couldn’t. Leaving the hospital alone was the most
difficult thing of the entire process. I thought giving birth to a stillborn
would be the hardest, but leaving him forever was by far harder!
On Thursday evening we had a beautiful service at
our church for Jackson, which was so hard and so beautiful at the same time.
Our Pastor did an amazing job and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him either,
preaching to a group of crying people. As hard as it was, it also gave us so
much comfort. Knowing that Jackson is in heaven and not in any pain makes it
easier to cope. I know that days will get easier. Right now I’m pretty much
living minute by minute. Having Jared helps me keep busy because a 3 ½ year old
boy who is always on the move doesn’t allow for down time.
Two weeks after giving birth I still have the
constant reminders of giving birth (moms, you know what bodily things I’m
talking about). My pregnant belly is no longer there, which happened quicker
than I thought and makes me sad. I still could cry at any minute and still
don’t have the courage to go out in public where I know lots of people. Going
to the store for errands is hard but not as hard as going somewhere where I
know pretty much everyone. That is something new to me because I have always
been a social person. I appreciate everyone’s support and love everyone who has
prayed, helped, or just been there for us during the last month, but it’s just hard
to face everyone! I don’t mind talking about Jackson and I’m happy to tell his
story, but just know that if you see me in person and we talk about him, I will
most likely cry! Which is also new to me, because I’m not normally a crier,
I’ve cried more in this last month than I have my entire 30 years.
On Saturday, October 10, 2015, we had a small burial
service for Jackson at the church where Jon’s grandparents are laid to rest.
Jackson is buried in between them and it is so special. It was a beautiful day
and Jared was so sweet. He never left his brother’s side and took part in the
entire process. We lit a lantern and sent it up to heaven for Jackson and the
day brought us all such peace!
We will never forget Jackson and never fully “get
over” or be able to “move on”, but I know that it will get easier and that
eventually I won’t just burst into tears at every little thing. It took us 2 ½ years
and one miscarriage to conceive Jackson and he brought so much joy to our lives
in the 22 weeks he lived inside my womb! Our lives will always be better
because of him. Our lives will always feel incomplete without him, but know
that God has a plan for him. We might not know His plans, but something good
will come from this!
Jeremiah
29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,”
declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future.
Also,
knowing that we will see Jackson again in heaven is so reassuring and
comforting. Jackson is in heaven with his brother or sister we lost before him and
his many family and friends who are already there.
Throughout
this journey my dear husband had been by my side. We have been together for
almost 10 years and I didn’t think I could love him more. After losing Jackson,
I feel even closer to him and love him more than I did before! I couldn’t do
this without him and know that we will get through this together and be
stronger parents for Jared. I even feel closer to Jared and I’m trying to enjoy
every moment with him even more than I did before. My relationship with God is
even stronger and I know that our family will get through this together with
God’s help!
Again, thank you all for your continued prayers and support for our family! It means more than you'll ever know!
